15 Reasons Why I Hate Family Game Night

Have a family game night- it’s fun! They said.
No it’s not.
Family game night is a cross between a trip to the gynecologist and refereeing a cock fight in Guadalupe. It’s miserable and feels like it will never end. (Not that I’ve ever refereed any cock fighting or visited any Mexican town called Guadalupe.)
1.) No one can decide on what game to play. “I want Apples to Apples!” Other kid- “We played Apples to Apples last time, let’s do Guesstures!” Mom and dad don’t really want to do either, but drinking games are kind of inappropriate with a 9 and 12 year old.
2.) Dad won’t get off his laptop. Kid- “DAAAAD, you can’t be on Facebook while we’re playing!” Dad- “I’m not, I’m just keeping tabs on the news. I’m totally paying attention to you guys.”  (NOT)
3.) Children won’t put down media devices either. Me- “Daughter (12) it’s time to put away your phone, stop SnapChatting your friends and play. We are doing this for YOU!”  (Guilt trips are totally required on family game night by the way.)
4.) Someone always cries. Usually the youngest because they are losing. Then I start crying because I’m so fed up with everyone.
5.) Someone always leaves the game  pouting and stomping off loudly up the stairs. Again- usually the youngest. Or me.
6.) They decide to play Monopoly. (Just kill me now) Nothing good ever comes of this game and it goes on for a fortnight.
7.) Dad tries to be funny making irrelevant jokes and it turns out to just annoy everyone. Really, it was kind of funny the first time- but the following five, not so much. Give. It. Up.
8.) One sibling accuses the other of cheating. At this point, you don’t really give a shit and you’re hoping it’s almost bed time.
9.) You’re fed up, you announce the game is over and send everyone to bed. Tears and crying commence and you are told you are the meanest mom EVER! Then you feel like the White Witch in Narnia and everyone blames you for spoiling their fun.
10.) No one remembers whose turn it is and when they do they take F O R E V E R to make their move. (Courtesy of Hollow Tree Ventures)
11.) Little hands can’t hold cards for shit. (Thank you Motherhood WTF)
12.) It’s very hard to find a game that spans ALL ages, let alone one where the older kids don’t whine and cry that ‘THIS IS BOOORING” (this confessed to me via You Know It Happens At Your House Too)
13.) The cat lays on top of the game pieces and game board, wiping out all progress and your wine glass is empty. At this point, everything is futile and it’s time to just send everyone to bed. See #9.
14.) Someone decides to play a game of Smell My Finger (written by The Bearded Iris).
15.) Beer pong is just not the same with apple juice.

This was originally published on Frugalista Blog.
More about Frugie: Frugalista Blog is a mother of two that lives in the ‘burbs, drives a minivan and attends PTA meetings.  Despite her early attempts of a career on stage and screen, she pretends she is just living her own movie now. She lives with her husband, two kids, dog and cat. She has contributed to Scary Mommy, Bonbon Break and In The Powder Room. She wishes someone would invent a doughnut that would help you lose weight.
Her writings and musings are her confessions of a middle-aged drama queen.

No Superwoman Here

Generally I feel confident in my abilities to do just about anything. I figure if someone else can do it, then I probably can too. This is the attitude I had at 9-years-old when I decided the bar in my closet needed to be raised from little-kid height to normal-person height. I got my dad’s tools, removed the brackets from the wall, repositioned them, re-screwed them in, and replaced the bar. (Sorry, Mom.) I actually did a fine job and the bar is still holding strong today, level and everything. It’s the attitude I had when I decided to try galloping and jumping a horse for the first time, when I traveled alone through Kenya, and when we moved to the middle of nowhere and I decided I could just take Luke everywhere by bike.

Mother, Interrupted

My children are psychic. And by psychic, I mean that they have the uncanny ability to sense when something is going on that doesn’t involve them, and a specific knack for interruption that is driven entirely by a fear of missing out (FOMO, for the uninitiated). It’s like my children are already teenagers that are constantly worried that an awesome party is going on somewhere that they haven’t heard about. As such, I have compiled a list of the top ten things children can sense intrinsically are going on without them that they simply must interrupt.

Quick, he's on to you! Eat them all at once!
Quick, he’s on to you! Eat them all at once!
  1.  Eating Candy: I have a ridiculous sweet tooth, and like the vast majority of children, so do my kids. There is one particular cabinet in my house, high beyond the line of vision of my children (even when they’re standing on the counter – don’t judge!), where I have a small bountystashed away just for me. Without fail, anytime I manage to sneak a couple of gummy coke bottles or Twizzlers from said stash, my three-year-old, Inspector Sweets, materializes out of thin air, sniffing around and prying open my hands. “What’s going on over here? What are you eating? What do you have there? I smell something sweet!” He is truly talented and will make a fabulous detective someday, assuming the case involves something missing that is composed entirely of sugar.

The Groundhog Days of Our Lives

I met the hilarious Leslie from I Blame Enjoli! when she participated in the Kansas City Listen to Your Mother show. This was the piece she read to close out the show and bring down the house.

Once heard that the average toddler hears the word “no” over 200 times in one day. Yeah well, who do you think is saying it? Remember that movie with Bill Murray where he wakes up and keeps having the same day over and over? Of course you do, if you are a mother, it is the story of your life!

Here are just a few of the things I repeat daily: