Oh, the Places New Moms Won't Go!

By Jen Piwtpitt - 1:11 PM

One of my best pals in Blogland is Nicole from Ninja Mom. She runs a series every Friday called "Character Assassination Carousel" where each participant rips a classic piece of children's literature to shreds.

My original intent was to roast those stupidly-sadsack-grammatically-challenged creatures from the Hundred Acre Woods, otherwise known as Pooh & Friends.

But then I realized today is Dr. Seuss's birthday and it would be weird not to give him his due.
This posed a bit of an issue because I wasn't sure it was appropriate to insult a dead man. And as far as children's authors go, I kind of like the guy.
So... instead I decided to rewrite his book.
Authors never mind when you rework their words, right? Especially after they're dead?
I chose "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" because really, it's way too vague for my taste. What are these "great places" exactly? The pediatrician's office? The sale rack at Baby Gap? Where's this "mountain" I'm supposed to move? And why oh why is success "98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed"???
Overpromise much, Dr. Seuss?
A reality-based version of Dr. Seuss's last and best-selling book is clearly what we need and since this is a parenting blog, I'm writing it specifically as on 'ode to new moms'.
Ready? Deep breath....

Today is your day.
You're off to great places.
You're off and away.
You have spit-up in your hair.
You have pee on your shoes.
You can steer yourself
to any place (with a changing table) you choose
You're not on your own.You don't know what's to come.Because you've got a new baby that's about to steal all your fun!
You'll look up and down streets.Look 'em over with care.About some places you'll say,"Oh! I miss going there!"
With your head full of mush and shoes aching your feet you'll wear sweatpants outdoors as if admitting defeat.
And you may not findany other mothers you like.In that case, of course you'll have to talk to your tike!
He won't respond. Babies rarely do. So you'll talk to yourself saying MOO, BAH and GOO.
And then things start to happen.He'll sit up, he'll stand.And you'll act like these feats are the second coming of man.
Oh! The places you'll go!
To 'Buy Buy Baby' and more!You'll be confronted with bottles swaddles, breast pumps GALORE! 
You won't lag behind because you've spent over a grandon a ridiculous stroller that was in high demand.
You'll be judged by other mothers for your lack of routine.You'll secretly wonder how your friend's house is so clean.
But one look at his face and it's totally worth it. If you went back in time you wouldn't do anything different.
Except when you don't.Because sometimes you won't.
I'm sorry to say so,but sadly it's true.The puke and the poop can all get to you.
You'll hide in the bathroom.You'll fight with your spouse.You'll want to run screaming right out of your house!
Your hair will fall out.The baby weight lingers.You'll try your best not to point any fingers.
You'll remember a time when you used to shower and didn't wake up at such an ungodly hour.
You'll wear the same pants four, five, six days in a row. You'll look around wondering if anyone knows.
The diapers will pile higher than heaven. On a scale up to ten the stench is eleven!
Then a stomachbug will tear it's way through your home. And you'll think this is it! Engrave my tombstone!
But just as you hit an all-time lowest low, you will say to yourself "Not me! No! No! No!"
The puke and the poop may make a big mess.How the diaper genie broke is anyone's guess. Yes, it's been many months without a good rest, but my baby— well... he is the BEST!
And then you'll take on a new kind of stance. One who doesn't leave their child's future up to chance.
Oh! The places he'll go! There's a genius right here! With proper instruction he can skip many years!
The advanced things he says off the top of his head, are surely the skills leading up to pre-med!
Rich! He'll be rich! As rich people can be! And then all my friends will be jealous of me!
Except when they don't. Because sometimes they won't.
I'm afraid that sometimes you'll have to admit that your baby just can't make that square blue peg fit.
And like it or not, you'll come back to reality. Where you'll realize that motherhood has taken part of your sanity.
But on you will go though the sippy cups leak. On you will go though lack of sleep makes you weak. On you will go wiping snot off your kid's nose. On you will go because it's the life that you chose.
Onward to many a preschool event. Though your pockets are drained from the last commitment.
Soon you will realize with care and great tact that Life is nothing but a Great Balancing Act.
Before you know it, you're a seasoned parent at bat, telling the woman with the newborn to put on his hat. 
Please never forget to be nice to new mothers. You don't have anybody if you don't have each other.
So... be you helicopter,attachment or montessori,or an organic French tiger mom
who never does worry, you're off to great places! Today is your day! Your children are waiting. They'll all be okay.  
Damn. Dr. Seuss books are kind of long, no?
Check out all the books in Ninja Mom's Character Assassination Carousel— including "Runaway Bunny", "The Giving Tree" and the creepiest of the creepy, "Love You Forever". They all got a much harsher sentence than mine. 
Last week Dr. Cynicism skewered The Wonderful Wizard of Oz and next week it's Jessie's turn from Jester Queen. I can't wait to see what she'll pick.
(Pick Pooh, please!!!) 
If you're a Seuss fan and would like to honor his birthday properly, check out my post on Babble today called "For the Love of Dr. Seuss". It features 15 very interesting facts about 15 of Seuss's most popular books. 
For instance, did you know "Yertle the Turtle" was about Hitler? 
Anti-Hitler, obviously.

This post originally appeared on Mommy Shorts.

More About Ilana: Ilana Wiles is the blogger behind Mommy Shorts, a humor blog that aims to deliver parenting information similar to how Jon Stewart delivers the news. Ilana is a regular contributer to Babble, Alphamom and The Huffington Post. She is one of Babble's Top 100 Mom Blogs and on Huffington Post's list of the top women to follow on Instagram. In addition to blogging, Ilana works as a freelance creative director in advertising and has created campaigns for everything from Oreo to Diet Coke. She lives in the East Village of NYC with her husband, their two daughters, and a rapidly growing pile of stuffed animals.

  • Share:

You Might Also Like