The Sleep Conspiracy

By Jen Piwtpitt - 6:18 AM

There’s a great big fat conspiracy going on around here. Well, that’s my theory anyway…

I’m pretty sure that at least once a week, there’s a conversation between my kids that goes something like this:
Miles (age 3): Okay, guys. Let’s put our plan in place. I’m not going to fall asleep until 9 tonight, so you guys can fall asleep right away. I’ll take the first shift.

Alice (age 2): Oh, okay. That’s a great idea MINeee.
Simon (6 months): Goo
Miles: Then, after I get her to tell me several stories at 9 pm, I’ll fall asleep. Alice – after she’s been asleep for awhile, you need to start screaming. Let’s say – about 11:30ish – does that work for you?
Alice: Yes. I do.
Miles: Great. So you wake her up at 11:30 and do that thing you like to do where you scream out, and when she comes into your room, pretend you’re sound asleep.
Even if she talks to you, just pretend you’re asleep. And when she leaves your room, wait about five minutes or so, and then scream again. And then fake sleep again.
You did a good job last night of getting her into your room four times. Let’s shoot for five tonight. I think you have it in you. Okay?
Alice: Oh, okay. That’s a great idea, MINeee.
Miles: At around 2 am, I’m going to get a bloody nose. I’ll make sure to smear it EVERYWHERE before I start crying and yelling for help. If dad happens to try to help, I’ll scream and carry on until mom gets there.
I’ll make sure that she has to change my clothes, change my sheets and wash my wall before she can go back to bed. Oh – and I’ll pretend to be afraid so that she has to work for awhile to get my bloody nose to stop and to get me calmed down.
Simon – little buddy – this might be hard – but when you hear her leave my room – say around 2:30ish – you need to start crying really, really hard. Act like you’re hungry and really throw her off. And then make her rock you back to sleep – that’ll be great. Okay?
Simon: Goo

Miles: Okay – and then Alice – you need to take the 5 am shift. Pretend you have a fever – you know that always freaks her out. Just get really hot and sweaty and then start screaming. Keep crying even when she comes into your room.
You’ll totally get her to carry you downstairs to take your temperature and give you something to drink.
Alice: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I do!
Miles: Simon – I know you don’t usually eat until 6:30 or 7, but demand to be fed just as you hear her bringing Alice upstairs. She’ll be so tired that she’s just going to put you in bed with her anyway, but fuss a little even after you start eating so she can’t fall asleep.
And then I’ll get up for the day at 6 am. I’ll do that creepy thing I do where I stand at the edge of her bed and stare at her until she wakes up. And then I’ll be super energetic and not even be willing to just watch a show or anything. She’ll be forced to get up.
Sound good, everyone? And, remember – we don’t want daddy tonight. Only mom.
This was originally published on My Life and Kids.
More About Anna: Anna Luther is the mom behind the blog, My Life and Kids, where she strives to make you feel better about your messy, crazy, fabulous life. She was chosen by Parents Magazine as one of the top five blogs Most Likely to Make You Laugh and she's also one of the Top 35 Most Pinteresting Moms on Pinterest.
Anna is the mother of three little kids, the driver of a minivan, and the wife of Even Steven. She knows nearly 50 ways to make realistic farting noises, and - most importantly - she single-handedly cured muffin top (and you don't even have to put down your donut).

You can find her at My Life and Kids, on Facebook, on Pinterest and Twitter @LifeandKidsBlog.

  • Share:

You Might Also Like


  1. My kids must have read this post cuz they totally tried this last night!