This Post is About My Period

By Jen Piwtpitt - 7:17 PM

I thought I'd start off with a warning right there in the title, in case you're easily offended by things like menstruation or the fact that I put a cartoonish maxi pad (With wings!) in today's graphic. But actually, this post isn't about my period; it's about my not-period.

Now that you've made it past the warning, I want you to know that I'm not saying my period is currently late. Maybe it is. But I'm not saying that.

Nextly I'll explain that, usually, my head is filled with a constant stream of things I need to do, my task list on an endless loop. It's as if my brain's convinced I'll forget something crucial if I stop thinking about Every Damn Thing for even one fraction of a second.

So basically, living inside my head is like working in retail, where you have to listen to the same 15 irritating songs over and over every day all day long against your will, until it's almost 20 years later and you still can't hear Mariah Carey's "Always Be My Baby" without remembering the kajillion teensy off-the-shoulder crop tops you folded in the Juniors department of LS Ayres in 1995.
Or something.
I suppose I could try just doing the stuff on my list to clear my head, because then I wouldn't have a to-do list to think about, right?


Let's face it, nobody ever really does all the stuff on their to-do lists. Besides, I'm super busy doing other important stuff, like coming up with complex analogies that somehow combine pop divas with defunct department stores. It's not as easy as I make it look, I assure you. So, as it stands, there's only one thing that'll derail my usual train of thought. One thing that will take my mind off the never-ending list of things I need to do, drive away all other thoughts, one thing that focuses all my concentration on a different topic.

And that thing is a late period.

Whether it's late by one day or ten, I'll obsess to the exclusion of all other things until I've convinced myself there's a 99% chance I'm almost definitely pregnant. Then, five minutes later, I'll be equally sure I'm not. Here's a sampling of what it sounds like in my head:

Was that a cramp? It felt like it might be a cramp. Maybe it was implantation! Am I just bloated, or am I showing already? I'll go ahead and Google "early pregnancy symptoms," even though I already have them all memorized. Nausea? Maybe. Breast tenderness? Only always. Mood swings? YES. NO. I mean, YES! Why do pregnancy and PMS symptoms have to be exactly the same? God, I'm tired. Was I this tired last week? I wish I could tell if this a normal amount of tired, or more like an I'm Growing A Person amount of tired. Wait - was that it? Did it start? Are my pants ruined yet? I should just take a test - buying a $12 piece of plastic and peeing on it seems to be pretty much the quickest way to get your period to start. If it doesn't start, where exactly are we going to put a SIXTH KID? I mean where would we. If we were preggo. Which we're not. Probably. God, I'm hungry. I certainly feel like I'm eating for two. Or maybe I'm just eating for one. One giant woman who's trying to gain 15 pounds in mini Reese's cups. Ugh, everything's driving me crazy. Except for coffee. Coffee good. Hey wait, if coffee still tastes good, I can't be pregnant! I'm pretty sure that's a law or something. Better Google it. Whoa, getting a little dizzy when I stand up, there. Does that mean anything? Owwww, my back. Could I be in back labor already? No, it's probably cramps. Was that a cramp?

And so on. A new endless loop - hooray! I'll enjoy the change of pace until my uterus decides I should get back to fretting over my to-do list. After all, although I obsess like this on an almost bi-monthly basis, there have only been three times in my life (so far) it was actually followed by more teensy junior-sized clothes for me to fold.

This was originally published on Hollow Tree Ventures.

More About Robyn: Robyn Welling is a freelance writer and humorist at Hollow Tree Ventures, where she isn't afraid to embarrass herself — and frequently does. She loves sarcasm, sleep, beer, other bottled items, long walks on the beach, and her husband. Oh, and her kids are pretty great, too. Her goals include becoming independently wealthy, followed by world domination and getting her children to clean their rooms. Until then, she'll just fold laundry and write about the shortcuts she takes on her journey to becoming a somewhat passable human being; if history is any guide, she'll miss the mark entirely. Join her on Facebook and Twitter and Pinterest, where she hides when her family makes ridiculous demands for things like dinner or a game of Monopoly.

  • Share:

You Might Also Like