And Then, She Peed on My Leg

By Jen Piwtpitt - 10:21 AM

You know those orange juice commercials that hilariously demonstrate a person’s catastrophic day that lays before them, and it ends with the person replying that they will be able to handle the pitfalls of the day because, “it’s a good thing they had their orange juice”?
Yeah, I had one of those days. There was no orange juice in sight.
Picture this: A day filled with traveling from Denver to Chicago via airplane to visit my family for the holidays. Me and two kids. How bad could it be, you ask?
You tell me. Picture this commercial…
Me: Okay, people, what’s on the agenda?
My Son: At 2:00 pm, I am going to have undetermined leg pains that will make getting through two large airports damn near impossible. Throughout the day in the airports, you will look like the most insensitive mom begging me to “Please, hurry up!” as I do my best Tiny Tim impression.
Airport Customer Service Agent: After you realize that there is no longer a skycap at the airport and you have to move four large pieces of luggage, two backpacks, your daughter in a stroller and Tiny Tim inside and through a very long line, I will not be able to find your children’s flight reservations, make you sweat for a good five minutes and make you almost miss your flight.
TSA Agent: The new stroller you bought for the trip will not collapse and we will have to take 10 minutes to ‘hand check’ your umbrella stroller, which will result in you directing your children like a traffic cop diverting traffic around an accident. The people around you will think you are crazy and this close to losing your shit.
My daughter: I will refuse to suck on a pacifier during take off, and drink 16 oz. of apple juice, so you will have nothing for me to drink during landing which will make you BEG a flight attendant for water (in which she graciously provided) during the descent. Oh, and I will then give all those liquids back to you in flight, by peeing on your leg.
Me: Awesome. At least I have my vodka and orange juice.
Okay, maybe my version of the commercial isn’t as ‘G-rated’ as the rest, but hell, neither am I. Case in point: at one point I was praying that small little bottles of vodka and/or wine would come pouring out of the overhead compartment of the plane.
Seriously, after this trip, this is the *only* way I want to see  orange juice served on a plane... laden with alcohol...
Seriously, after this trip, this is the *only* way I want to see orange juice served on a plane… laden with alcohol…
photo credit: ginsnob via photopin cc
No such luck, y’all…
This was originally published on To Black Belt and Beyond.
Jess is a rehabilitated higher education administrator, who has traded in her corporate office badge and lanyard for stay-at-home mommyhood and a karate gi. Jess also has a tendency to share way too much with anyone within earshot, so she created To Black Belt and Beyond to showcase her inappropriate humor, utter lack of physical coordination, the everyday not-so-blissful moments of parenting, and also to document her and her son's path to earning a black belt in tae kwon do. In essence, Jess is like the Karate Kid, but older. And fatter. And with kids. And uncoordinated. And, well, you get the point...

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