Parenting Advice From Kim Kardashian

By Jen Piwtpitt - 8:40 AM

Like, amazing! Being a Mom is like the most amazing thing I’ve ever done.  It’s totally better than divorce and doing nothing all day. My baby is amazing, especially when the baby nurse holds her.

So cool how so many of you are interested in what we’re going to name her.  Like, duh! It’s totally going to start with a “K.”  She’s part of the brand now.   I’m thinking we name her “Kalabasas,” because that’s the best city in the state of Los Angeles, but Kanye wants to name her, “Ka-ching!”  He says it’ll rhyme better when he makes an angry rap about her and banks a ton of cash.  But I’m like, “Why rap when you can just film her doing nothing?”  Anyways, it doesn’t really matter what either of us think. We’re a family now. That means my Mom and Ryan Seacrest get to decide.

Now that I’m well into Day 3 of being a Momdashian, I’ve really got it down to a scientist. I wake up, practice camera faces, eat an egg white, ignore the daytime baby nurse when she comes in for work and scowl at the night time nurse when she leaves to get the first sleep she’s had in 13 hours. But first, I tell her all the things she didn’t do well.  I’m a Mother now, it’s important that I teach my daughter good values and molars. Little Ka-ching!  needs to know that people who work for you aren’t people, they’re human beings.  And human beings suck at their job and should never receive a raise.  After the night nurse leaves, I either brush my hair or re-watch my porn tape.  This takes me to 4 pm.

Then I go see the baby, while someone else holds, clothes, feeds, and natures her.  Being a hands-on Mom rules! It’s so easy to manage my empire and manage the staff who are taking care of Little Ka-ching!, what’s the big problem? All those other bitches who complain about parenthooding are just lame girls who aren’t pretty.kim-kardashian-crying-620x4002-550x354

So it occurred to me, when my Mom suggested it, that I could really be of service to all those other Moms, who aren’t as good as it as I am.  So I’m sharing some of my pearls of wisdom (which of course, I received free from a sponsorship deal.)

1)    It doesn’t matter if the baby cries, as long as she’s wearing leopard.

2)    Holding your baby too long makes her needy.  Needy babies cry a lot, which makes her skin look old and poor.

3)    If your baby is ugly give her to the baby nurses until she gets gooder looking.

4)    A baby is never too young to be tweezed.

5)    The best brand of stroller is from the company who gifts you one for free.

6)    Never let the baby watch violent TV, but do let her see your porn tape so she’ll know you weren’t always this fat.

7)    Men come and go, but a sponsorship deal is for life.

8)    If a baby cries in the forest and no one is there to film it, who gives a shit?

9)    Make sure your baby is not delayed on any gross motor milestones: batting eyelashes at wealthy strangers, sucking in while wearing leggings, walking in heels.

10)  A house is not a home unless 30 cast and crew are living inside of it with you.

11)  Educate the baby on the most important men in her life: The guy who runs the E! Channel, his boss, and his boss’ boss (Ryan Seacrest). And her Dad. He’s not that important because he won’t be around in two years, but it’s important to know who to write the tell-all about.

12)  It’s okay if friends and family sell stories about the baby to the press as long as you come off really goodly.

13)  Toxic baby products are fine as long as they’re name brand.

14)  Expensive = Better.

15)  It’s important to accept help from family, especially the unemployed ones will ask for money anyway.

16) Make sure the baby is on a schedule so she doesn’t think you want to spend all your time with her.

17) Raising children is the second most important thing a woman can do after the 100 other things that are more important.

18) It’s best for children to be surrounded by a close knit, highly connected family.  These people are also called: camera men.

19) It’s better to raise a famous baby than a nice one.

20) You say chocking hazard, I say sparkles!

I can’t wait for Day 4! Kanye’s going to meet his daughter.

Like love you,

Kim

This was originally published on Bad Sandy.

A recovered actress and stand-up comic, Meredith is a screenwriter and blogger living in Los Angeles.  She is the wife of one, mother of two and hopes someday to fit back in to her high-school jeans. She blogs at Bad Sandy.

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