What NOT to Get Your Mom for Mother's Day

By Jen Piwtpitt - 7:02 AM

Last week I was trying to think of a Mother's Day present for my mom. I'm 41 years old now and a macaroni necklace just doesn't have the same impact it used to 35 years ago. I felt like every gift I was thinking of was a crappy gift, so I asked my readers on Facebook to tell me the worst Mother's Day gift they ever received just to make sure those weren't the ones I was considering. I got the usual responses of Dustbusters, brooms, step stools, tools, and irons. However, as I scrolled through the hundreds of answers, I noticed the same gift popping up over and over again.


It was: NOTHING.

Nothing?



At first I felt sad when I saw this. Sure, there have been years here and there where the Hubs and I have agreed not to get each other anything for the holidays so we can spend more on the kids or buy a washer and dryer or something like that. But even then I started thinking. If we didn't have money for a gift, the Hubs would ask the kids to draw a card or make me a booklet of coupons good for hugs and kisses. That was something at least.

This made me angry, then I felt pissed off, and then I got mad.

Nothing is not acceptable. No, no, no, no!

Why did these moms get nothing? Why didn't their children get them a card or buy them a terrible gift like a scale? I'll tell you why: because they never learned.

I blame the dads on this one. Yup, save your breath, dads, but this is your fault. Sure there are a lot of grown up asshole children who don't buy their mother's gifts, but they're also your fault. See, you were supposed to teach them to honor their mother on her one damn day of the year. Your kids grew up to be jerks, because when they were little it was your job to take them to the store and help them pick out a card or a gift for Mommy. If you didn't have the money, it was your job to have them draw her a picture or make her a pipe cleaner bracelet or write her a heartfelt letter. Something! Anything! Not nothing!

I can't believe how many women said their husbands used the super lame excuse: "I didn't buy you a gift because you're not my mother."

Oh. My. Gah. Someone hold my purse, because shit just got real.

You're not my mother? Oh that's some complete and total bullshit right there, gentlemen. You're not our father, but guess who takes the kids to the store and gives them money to buy you a new golf club every year?

"You're not my mother." Ugh.

If my husband ever said that to me, my response would be: "You're right, Hubs. I'm not your mother, but I am the mother of your children! I am the one who carried them for nine long months and then ruined my vagina squeezing them out. I am the one who gets up in the night when they're sick, while you pretend to sleep. I am the one who kisses boo boos, because blood makes you woozy. I am the one who reads out loud to them, because you claim to be illiterate. I am the one who plays endless rounds of Uno with them, because you make them cry when you hit them with Draw Four cards every round. These kids are your offspring too and you're responsible for teaching them about Mother's Day. Now go to the store and buy me a freaking Dustbuster, you son of a bitch!"

What is wrong with the rest of you fellas? I bet you all buy flowers and cards for your mothers. Well, who taught you to do that? Duh. Get off your lazy asses and get out there and give you wife exactly what she wants and deserves for Mother's Day: time away from you.

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Buy your wife/mom I Just Want to Be Alone and I Just Want to Pee Alone for Mother's Day.

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